Throughout history there have been a plethora of rulers, creative geniuses, intellectuals, gurus, and what one might call ascended masters that have led others to grow and prosper. People have followed them, praised them, gone to war for them, and turned their lives upside down to abide by their ways. They have been so persuaded by them that they have followed blindly into catastrophic disasters and holocausts. All of this occurs because they so confidently held the person’s beliefs above their own and not trusted themselves.
It’s amazing what another person can convince us of if we stand too softly in our knowledge and truth. It is remarkable what we will do or who we will follow when we feel broken or find ourselves in a state of confusion. I have been a people pleaser for most of my life. I have walked softly and stood down in order to keep from intimidating others and to avoid conflict. I was the person that people liked because I found a way to get along with everyone even if that meant compromising myself and my own desires. It’s easy to fall into a state of confusion when you don’t know which direction is your own true north. It is easy to be persuaded by others during these confusing times of transition. I found myself in an especially confusing situation in April of 2016 during my trip to Bali.
I’ve come to find that every trip takes some unusual and surprising turns and Bali was no exception. This trip was full of unexpected events and chance meetings. It felt like I was swimming in a world full of guru’s, spiritual leaders and highly ascended masters. Around every corner I found a new enlightened individual, who I was convinced was surely more awakened or more intuitive than myself. I had talks upon talks of where my life was heading, what was hiding in my energy field and which life path I should be following. I mean, I was so deep in what one might call “enlightened” conversation that I couldn’t be pulled out of the pile. You could literally walk down any street in Bali and around the next corner you would have a conversation or an experience that would bust your current perception of reality. It was getting deep and I felt like I was beginning to sink.
Now I know what you are probably thinking. I can’t believe that this girl is actually complaining about being surrounded by likeminded, high vibing, all knowing gurus, portals and spiritual healers. Sounds horrible right?! Let’s just say it can be a bit overwhelming. So in search of a time out, I headed with my traveling companion to the town of Cangu. Cangu was more of a surfer town, known for its relaxing and laid back vibe that was the exact opposite of the holy grail of healing and medicine that we left behind in UBUD. I was looking forward to the break and experiencing a little bit of what one might call a “normal vacation.” I had my fill of energy world and needed a break. I wanted to play in the “real world” again, if even for a little awhile.
I was to stay in Cangu for 4 days before my flight home but after several mind blowing experiences I had decided to stay in Bali for an extra couple of weeks. With this being my plan I had already paid to go on the quickest visa run there is to Singapore and all the technicalities had been taken care of. There was just one thing, I was really starting to miss my boyfriend. We had spoken about him joining me but our plans were overturned when he got word that his friend was ill. I knew he wouldn’t be able to leave and felt an empty sadness within. I didn’t know what to do. I had already planned on staying longer but was missing him so much! I couldn’t expect him to leave but was I ready to go home?
As the days slowly counted down until my flight, I tossed and turned and wrestled with this decision. My traveling companion did not want me to leave. I had promised to stay and continue our journey with her and we were both struggling with my desire to leave. Lost in confusion I went searching for answers. I decided to have an energetic session with a friend I had made, to see if she could help me find an answer. After our session she told me that Bali still held a strong energy for me. That it would be a perfect place to foster my spiritual development and part of me felt that she was right.
The intensity behind my decision was really starting to get to me. That night my travel companion told me that she had a vision of me attempting to get on the plane but not being able to do it because my heart desired to stay. I could feel some truth in that vision but part of me still longed for home.
The next day, everyone’s words kept running through my head. My spiritual friend, “you are not yet finished with Bali.” My traveling companion “You will not be able to get on that plane tomorrow.” My boyfriend, “I really miss you and wish you were home” and my own, “what if I leave and completely regret it but what if I stay and it’s the wrong decision?” My mind ran in circles, deathly afraid that I would make the wrong decision.
Finally, the day of reckoning had arrived. As I sat there drinking my morning coffee my friend asked me if I had decided what I was going to do yet? I looked her in the eyes and said no. I had already found a new place to stay if I decided to remain in Cangu and I had also began to pack as I knew this was going to be a game time decision. As the hours went by I knew that it was time to choose. As I sat there debating what my next action would be, I contemplated how most of life I had done what other people had desired in order to make them like me or to make them happy and how everyone was always going to have an opinion without necessarily having my best interest at heart. I considered the advice I had been given and how I wanted to trust what they had said to be true. Yet something just didn’t feel right and I begin to hear another voice, a voice of my own.
I had run myself ragged with trying to make a decision that I had finally surrendered. Both paths were arranged for me, I could safely go either way. It was in that moment, that I finally felt a sense of calmness come over me and I knew that there was no right or wrong decision. That it didn’t matter what I chose because in the end I would end up where I’m supposed to be and experience what I am meant to. The universe didn’t care what choice I made because it was going to be the right one either way. In that moment, I had found my truth and knew that my heart desired to go home. As I got into the cab and headed for the airport, I felt a slight uneasiness that the predictions would be right and I wouldn’t make it on that plane. But I made it to the airport and then through security with no issues. My heart started to pound as I boarded the plane. Is this really happening I thought? Am I really going to make it out of here successfully? The answer was Yes!! As I settled in for a long journey home, I felt relaxed and a sense of freedom flowed through my veins. The others had been wrong and this was the right decision for me. I had found my voice, my inner truth and had no intention of letting it go. Making that decision had set me free! Free from the expectations of others. Free from my self-doubt and putting my fate in the hands of others. It had been a crazy experience but was necessary for me to find my inner knowing and trust in myself.